The wilderness.

When I did this photoshoot I made it a point to get some photos “in the wilderness.” Specifically, me worshipping and reading the Word. I knew there would come a day when I felt like I was suffocating in the wilderness, but would know I needed to worship no matter what.

I wanted those pictures because it’s inevitable.

I’m in a season of feeling like I’m in a drowning battle.

A season of constantly being tired and not wanting to get out of bed.

A season of sadness and of feeling alone.

A season of questioning what direction I’m supposed to be going in and what is my purpose.

I’ve been trying to fill my spaces with Truth. Reminders that my direction and purpose is to do the will of the Lord. To seek and love Him above all else, no matter what. To have the love He gives me overflowing abundantly to others. To be worthy of the gospel no matter what happens. To keep my eyes on what is ahead and not behind.

These seasons are always tough. It’s easy to sit in them and dwell. To think of where I was a year ago and long for those memories and that person again. To think of where I could’ve been now if I hadn’t needed to work through certain things. To think of how this limbo could go terribly wrong.

But none of those things are helpful to sit in. The devil speaks lies in those thoughts and uses them to consume me with negativity and hopelessness. He blinds me to the victories the Lord is bringing, the answers to prayers that I forget were once thought impossible.

Thankfully, my hope is not found in any of those things and my weapons are not found on this earth.

[2 Corinthians 10:4-5]

We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and false arguments against the knowledge of God.

We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God, take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

My hope is found in the fact this season is a battle, and the battle is part of a bigger war that is already won. This battle is exhausting and devastating. But my hope is found in the knowledge that Jesus has already conquered the grave and God has already won the war. I have nothing to fear because this battle and this season will end. Victory will come. In whatever ways the Lord has planned out perfectly for me.

Recently I had a vision of myself laying down my hopes, dreams, and desires before the Lord’s feet. The things I lay down were like tiny little toys in front of God. So small, because He is so big. So small, because He has complete control over what to do with them. He has the ability and power to perfectly arrange them in the order I need them in, and to be given at the exact moment I need to receive them. To be patient and listen to the Spirit’s leading to “wait.”

I’m still learning how to trust that He will bring my hopes, dreams, and desires to complete fulfillment for His perfect plans.

But, His victory will come.


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