Discovery is a beautiful thing. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past 48 hours, but the neat thing is that the Lord has been working longer than my recognition of His movement.

He is constantly at work, constantly moving, whether we “see” what He is doing or not.

Here are a few discoveries I’ve had about myself:

  • I idolize obedience.
  • I idolize spiritual gifts.
  • I am not as rooted and grounded in the Lord as I thought.
  • I used to have a very hard time understanding people who weren’t like me, but have recently been learning that they have so much worth and can add so much value into my life and walk with the Lord, if only I’d listen.
  • I tack “The Lord said” onto things I feel to convince myself of certain things and validate my actions.
  • I think at one point I was walking so closely with God most of the things I did feel were His leading. But at some point, I began to idolize the gifts and not the Giver, so my ears starting mishearing.
  • I fear disobedience so much I become paralyzed.
  • I become so paralyzed by fear that I talk myself into or out of things.
  • I become so paralyzed by fear and am so good at talking myself into/out of things I have denied myself a lot of good things. Thinking I didn’t deserve it, it wasn’t what God had for me, or that I would be punished if I allowed myself those good gifts.
  • I have an idea of what I want my life to look like. That idea is so engrained in me that if life doesn’t exactly match up with that idea, I am convinced it is wrong and not God’s will.
  • But I’ve never once questioned, “What if the idea I have in my head for my life, is just something I made up, tacked ‘The Lord Said’ onto it, and have denied myself every other good gift He’s tried to give to me just because I stopped listening and just plowed ahead, thinking I knew what was best?”
  • I like to try and figure everything out before I move.
  • And once I think I’ve got it all figured out I sprint to the finish line just in case I’m wrong.
  • That is also how I tend to handle my sin. Sprinting past it and manipulating how I present it to others so I don’t have to fully deal with it.
  • This has gotten me nowhere good and nowhere fast, despite my best efforts to make rash, abrupt decisions.
  • But over the past 24 hours I have stopped trying to move abruptly when I think I have received guidance, and have instead basked in the peace that guidance brings, have prayed over it, and have rested in the gentle assurance of just being with the Lord.
  • I have made the choice to walk away from my sin. To walk in the truth I am a new creation – the old has gone the new has come!
  • I have made the choice to stop trying to figure it all out and “fix.”
  • I have made the choice to acknowledge that my mind destroys itself, and that I have the ability to not let that happen.
  • I have made the choice to accept I am changing.
  • I have made the choice to not worry about tomorrow, because I cannot plan for tomorrow.
  • I have made the choice to relinquish control of the things I thought were my path, and instead, open my eyes to new directions and possibilities. To see how God’s glory can come no matter what choices I make.
  • I have peace in knowing He is working. Quietly. Gently. Slowly.
  • I have peace in knowing that when I humble myself to actually listen and seek His heart, I realize my own heart feels far better.
  • I have peace in knowing that His plan will always be better than my plan. And even if I think I know “the best plan,” He actually has something far more beautiful in store. Something that I could never, ever, possibly think up on my own. But if I humble myself and just listen and stop trying to scramble and act and fix… He is moving, and creating a beautiful love story between Him and I. One that He delights in. And one that I will delight in. And He can’t wait to give it to me. But first, I need to slow down, and listen.

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